Many couples are afraid of quarrels and loud words . They fear that violent exchanges of views will destroy their relationship. But is it really so, or can a little quarrel help?
Partnership experts are clear – quarrels are sometimes better than silence and long-term suppression of one’s feelings. There is no need to worry about constructive debates, albeit loud ones. Why couldn’t they be like storms, after which the sun rises again and the air clears? Find out how to argue correctly so that it works among you.
Unconstructive disputes can lead to separation
Learn to perceive your emotions and be aware of them. Based on them, you will be able to better understand the feelings that your partner’s actions and aggravated situations evoke in you. It may not be easy, especially if you were raised as a child to suppress negative impressions. Newly perceive every feeling, whether positive or negative, as a messenger of your unconscious confronted with consciousness.
Remember that emotions are like elements. They comes immediately to strike the seemingly calm level of the inner mood with the power of a typhoon and cause an emotional tsunami. Your task is to understand them, manage them and, with a little effort, learn to empathize with the feelings of others. This is due to the emotional intelligence highlighted in recent years.
You can know the expression of the level of emotional intelligence by the abbreviation EQ (emotional quotient).
Definitely do not neglect the development of this kind of intellectual spectrum. It will help you better understand not only your other half, but also a clumsy colleague at work or a choleric boss. With self-understanding, you can better argue in an argument and keep your emotions in check, which is of course better for both you and your partner. Non-constructive partnership disputes full of remorse and missing solutions can lead to separation.
One more reason to learn to argue. But first you have to know yourself. Read a simple guide on how to identify your needs, name them and find out what you don’t like and why.
Write down how you feel
Are you used to denying your feelings? Then don’t be surprised if their self-awareness doesn’t work right away. Everything needs its time. Start carrying your notebook. Choose the one you will fall in love with at first sight. Run your hand over its cover and pages, watch its colors. Is it nice for you? Then write your first impression in it. And keep going with others. Now you have your first diary of feelings.
Carry it with you and record everything you really feel. The good and the bad. What annoys and bothers you, and what, on the contrary, causes joy and evokes a good mood. Knowing your feelings is important for understanding the emotions of others. You may even fail to write regularly. Then you can try it with a personal diary. Writing will help you organize your thoughts and bring your feelings to the surface. And who knows, maybe you’ll become a master – a writer or a copywriter.
6 rules of constructive quarrel
Do you know what you want? What bothers you and what suits you? Then it’s time to confide in a partner. There is no need to argue with him right away, but if loud words still occur, remember the basic rules of constructive quarrel:
- Only one of the partners always speaks and tries to listen to the other. Don’t jump into speech.
- Express yourself in the first person only. Definitely don’t talk for a partner, “You think you want to.”
- Use the word “I”. It is easier for your partner to notice that you are not attacking his self-esteem, you are talking about yourself, not about him.
- Don’t try to give your partner a picture of what you think he or she feels. You’re not him. In addition, he might get the impression that you are trying to speak for him and not accept the fact that he has his own feelings and opinions.
- Make sure every argument is short. The longer it stretches, the less beneficial it becomes. Don’t break down every word you exchange. Try to get to the point quickly and solve the problem. End the argument as soon as possible and don’t pull it out again.
- Don’t get others involved. Do not refer to third parties to confirm your truth. Do not involve children or friends in your exchanges. Try to resolve the dispute yourself.
Don’t be afraid to admit a mistake
During quarrels, it sometimes happens that you realize your own mistake, but you subconsciously want to win the quarrel, so you do not admit the mistake. For the sake of partnerships, it is better to swallow your own pride and admit a mistake if it has occurred. You show your partner that you can step back and admit that you were wrong.
It is sometimes very difficult to take this step. Quarrels are a duel of pride, and when they graduate, they are not so much about solving a problem as it is about winning a duel. However, with each rift, you have to keep in mind that it was caused by a problem that needs to be solved. Even if emotions are boiling in you, try to calm down and think rationally.
In a tangle of emotions and agitation, the brain cannot produce constructive arguments, communication is impulsive, and many things can be said in affect. Remember that the words spoken are difficult to take back. Therefore, always try to keep it under control so that you do not say something you might regret later.
Basic rules of arguing
Quarrels are sometimes unavoidable. Whether you are arguing with a partner, a friend or your own child, follow clear rules that will help you manage the conflict quickly and without unnecessary remorse.
- Always stick to the topic and don’t go to other events. Don’t blame your partner again and again for something that happened a long time ago.
- Don’t be angry and don’t be offensive. Insults and derogatory words are hard to take back. On the contrary, they still remain in memory.
- Do not raise your voice. Or at least try. With a calm voice, you will not slip into swearing and remorse.
- Do not compare the current situation to previous mistakes. Don’t use sentences like, “I already knew I couldn’t trust you.”
- Don’t pull the past at all, focus on the issues that affect your relationship
- Keep in mind that the point of quarreling is to solve a problem. Don’t try to be on top at all costs, it’s not a duel.
- Take responsibility for your mistake and do not blame it on a third party. “I couldn’t blame him, he convinced me.” / “I didn’t know what I was doing.”
- Do not try to win the argument, but get to improve the situation.
- Don’t take advantage of your partner’s disadvantages – don’t attack him in mentally tense situations just because you know he’ll back off.
- Don’t attack your partner’s weaknesses just to be on top.
- Discuss things calmly. Set aside time for important things, don’t discuss them after a hard day at work.
- Try to be as specific as possible, do not intentionally try to provoke a big argument.
- Do not interrupt the communication partner. If he is trying to explain something to you or give his opinion, do not jump into his speech and let him speak.
Don’t be afraid of conflict
Quarrels are a common part of relationships. Some experience them more, others can keep their emotions in check. Many people think that the only way to have a happy relationship is to avoid quarrels. However, if you go through everything and keep your feelings within you, one day all your emotions may grind you or you will slam like a stove. Always tell your partner what you have in mind, what bothers you and how you feel.
While arguing with a partner can be grueling and stressful, it’s just as difficult to keep emotions under control. Still, try to act rationally and calmly, because if you start raising your voice, your partner will tend to start screaming as well. And once you start yelling at yourself, you are not far from a proper quarrel filled with remorse and maybe insults.
Don’t suffer from problems, but talk to your partner about them in advance. The longer you avoid confrontation, the worse you will feel. It is much more effective to solve problems right away, with a calm mind and a clear head. This is the only way they will not grow to huge proportions.
Learn to pronounce even the less pleasant. Take courage. Only then is it possible to move on. Gain stability and find understanding. It is not for nothing that it is said that quarrels unite and reconciliation is sweet. In addition, they who denies some of his feelings displaces some of himself. They only lives in half, and in the end they may miss not only the encounter with the “right one”, but above all with themselves.